Tuesday, September 27, 2011
September 27, 2011
I saw a post on Facebook in which Annette tagged Wendy. Annette was spending the weekend with her five beautiful grandchildren (three Collers and two Joneses). This brought tears to my eyes. After all the pain and devastation that has been caused by this woman, and after all the broken souls that she has stepped on, why does she get to spend the weekend with her grandchildren?!?! I get NOTHING with my grandchildren. Not a weekend. Not a day. Not an hour. Not a minute. Where is God in this? Where is the hope? Where is the justice? I will never know Ella as a one-year-old. I will never know Miles as a baby. All of that is gone. And yet Annette gets to spend the weekend with them. Words cannot express my grief and anger. There is no comfort for my heart.
Monday, September 26, 2011
September 26, 2011
We came to Connecticut on Thursday to get in my birthday visit with Stephanie. I love every visit with her. We played Settlers, shopped, ate, drank. All the usual stuff. Just the time spent is a treasure. The last night there, Jim cooked for us and we had a fire out in the fire pit.
From there, Tom flew on home and I came to Washington DC to help Deb and Rog. Today Roger and I made soap from a recipe that Nona had given Debbi. After melting the bar of washing soap and adding a couple other things, the mixture sits in a bucket overnight, during which time it's supposed to thicken. So far its been in the bucket for about two hours. I stirred it a few minutes ago and it doesn't seem any different. I think I need to stop peeking.
Roger and I are home together while Debbi is at work. We've talked about his suicide attempt. He apologized to me for the trouble and disruption that he caused. So how can I stay mad at that? He seems contrite and sincere. He's also frail - so kicking him in the head would be cruel. I can tell that Debbi is still struggling with him. She talks to him with angry words and tone. Last night I felt like a referee. We'll see how she does after a day at work. We'll be picking her up soon to go to the National Rehabilitation Hospital for a consult with the neurologist. Roger is hoping that they will be able to access whether or not he can drive again.
From there, Tom flew on home and I came to Washington DC to help Deb and Rog. Today Roger and I made soap from a recipe that Nona had given Debbi. After melting the bar of washing soap and adding a couple other things, the mixture sits in a bucket overnight, during which time it's supposed to thicken. So far its been in the bucket for about two hours. I stirred it a few minutes ago and it doesn't seem any different. I think I need to stop peeking.
Roger and I are home together while Debbi is at work. We've talked about his suicide attempt. He apologized to me for the trouble and disruption that he caused. So how can I stay mad at that? He seems contrite and sincere. He's also frail - so kicking him in the head would be cruel. I can tell that Debbi is still struggling with him. She talks to him with angry words and tone. Last night I felt like a referee. We'll see how she does after a day at work. We'll be picking her up soon to go to the National Rehabilitation Hospital for a consult with the neurologist. Roger is hoping that they will be able to access whether or not he can drive again.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
September 18, 2011
The past two years have been horrible. The riff between us and Wendy has taken a toll. Every breath that I take is tinged with sadness. My heart beats with longing and grief. Most days I feel hopeless and helpless. Our attempts at reconciliation have gone nowhere and the feeling that this is the way things will always be permeates my thoughts. When I see another grandmotther with her grandchildren, I feel like crying. I am not a part of my grandchildren's lives and it breaks my heart. It would be easy to believe that I was a horrible mother who deserves to have no contact with my daughter. It would be easy to believe that I am not worthy of being trusted with my grandchildren. When I am quiet and thoughtful, I sometimes believe that Wendy is right that I am to be avoided. But then something like Friday night happens.
We went to Lemongrass Restaurant for a night out with Mark and Jill Decker, Fred and Melissa Hatfield, Nick and Nichole Champion and Evelyn Figeroid. It was a time to just be out with friends, but since it was a couple days before my birthday, I also was given some birthday greetings. I felt loved, accepted and comfortable. These are the people who have kept me from believing the thoughts in my head. These are the people who love me for who I am and make no judgments. Because of outings like this, I can get through some of the darkest moments when I am tempted to stay in the darkness.
We are able to laugh and make fun of each other without fear. We are able to make fun of ourselves with complete acceptance. We are able to truthfully encourage and uplift each other. I love the way Mark is able to poke fun at himself, but understands how much we all love him. I love the way Nick feels so comfortable to say whatever happens to pop in his head. I love the way Melissa and Nichole can pull away from the group for a few minutes to have a private conversation and there are no feelings of insecurity. I love that Evelyn freely gives encouragement to all. I love that Jill says the funniest things but doesn't worry about offending any of us. I love the repartee between Mark and Fred. The guys can talk about what its like to use the restroom and the women let it happen. We may shake our heads, but its all just okay. I love that we all feel the high regard that each of us has for the others.
Gatherings like we had on Friday night are like a balm to my heart and soul. I feel so deeply blessed to have friends like this.
We went to Lemongrass Restaurant for a night out with Mark and Jill Decker, Fred and Melissa Hatfield, Nick and Nichole Champion and Evelyn Figeroid. It was a time to just be out with friends, but since it was a couple days before my birthday, I also was given some birthday greetings. I felt loved, accepted and comfortable. These are the people who have kept me from believing the thoughts in my head. These are the people who love me for who I am and make no judgments. Because of outings like this, I can get through some of the darkest moments when I am tempted to stay in the darkness.
We are able to laugh and make fun of each other without fear. We are able to make fun of ourselves with complete acceptance. We are able to truthfully encourage and uplift each other. I love the way Mark is able to poke fun at himself, but understands how much we all love him. I love the way Nick feels so comfortable to say whatever happens to pop in his head. I love the way Melissa and Nichole can pull away from the group for a few minutes to have a private conversation and there are no feelings of insecurity. I love that Evelyn freely gives encouragement to all. I love that Jill says the funniest things but doesn't worry about offending any of us. I love the repartee between Mark and Fred. The guys can talk about what its like to use the restroom and the women let it happen. We may shake our heads, but its all just okay. I love that we all feel the high regard that each of us has for the others.
Gatherings like we had on Friday night are like a balm to my heart and soul. I feel so deeply blessed to have friends like this.
Monday, September 12, 2011
September 12, 2011
Our final day here in Ohio:
We drove over to Marion, Ohio, birthplace of Tom's dad. We found the home that he was born and raised in. It looks pretty run down now and doesn't appear to be currently occupied. We also found the home of his maternal grandparents. We had lunch at a little cafe and then found the home of Warren G. Harding. The town of Marion appears to be like many US cities - parts are pretty rundown and parts are nice and clean.
After driving back to the Gryka's, we all rested until dinner.
We drove over to Marion, Ohio, birthplace of Tom's dad. We found the home that he was born and raised in. It looks pretty run down now and doesn't appear to be currently occupied. We also found the home of his maternal grandparents. We had lunch at a little cafe and then found the home of Warren G. Harding. The town of Marion appears to be like many US cities - parts are pretty rundown and parts are nice and clean.
After driving back to the Gryka's, we all rested until dinner.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
September 11, 2011
We started off the day with a trip to Barnes & Noble so I could get a chai. It's about 17 miles from John and Becky's house and it is the nearest Starbucks. We then got a John Gryka tour of Springfield, Ohio and the surrounding area. We stopped at the Springfield Public Library, Main Branch, to use the restroom and I talked with a couple of ladies stationed at the Reference Desk. We came back to the house for lunch and watched football and baseball. After dinner, it was more football.
I have been waiting for a good Ohio thunderstorm. Every day they've been telling me it should hit around 1 pm and every day it hasn't. Finally, around 4 pm we got a nice bout of thunder and rain. The air was soft and clean and everything smelled fresh. Projections are for another storm to roll through this evening. I hope so. I love that kind of weather. It just doesn't happen enough in Sacramento.
I have been waiting for a good Ohio thunderstorm. Every day they've been telling me it should hit around 1 pm and every day it hasn't. Finally, around 4 pm we got a nice bout of thunder and rain. The air was soft and clean and everything smelled fresh. Projections are for another storm to roll through this evening. I hope so. I love that kind of weather. It just doesn't happen enough in Sacramento.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
September 10,2011
Today we went to the National Museum of the U.S. Air Force at Wright-Patterson AFB. It houses one of every plane ever used by the Air Force. It spans the Orville and Wilbur days to the latest and greatest that the force uses. It is quite spectacular. You could be there for days and not see everything. We visited three of the eight rooms and had to give up. I took some pictures, definitely not enough. We came back to the Gryka's house and hung out for a bit then went out to dinner. At dinner, Tom's dad asked him about the motivation for going back to school a couple years after leaving UCDavis. Tom said that he had sought counsel and was told that he needed to prioritize his life and get things straightened out. Dad thought it was because of a visit we made to the Bay area to visit Roland Zee. Tom said no. When we got in the car, Dad asked again about the motivation. Tom said that he had already answered the question. Dad said "Sounds like you're being defensive."
When we came into the house, Dad said that he couldn't understand the defensiveness. Tom said that it was something that he didn't want to discuss with Dad. Dad pushed a little more and then walked out of the room. It was a bizaar exchange.
When we came into the house, Dad said that he couldn't understand the defensiveness. Tom said that it was something that he didn't want to discuss with Dad. Dad pushed a little more and then walked out of the room. It was a bizaar exchange.
Friday, September 9, 2011
September 9, 2011
Yesterday was a travel day. We got up at 3:00 am, got ready, picked up Tom's dad at 4:00 am and went to the airport. Going through security was a breeze. We had our boarding passes already printed and did not checked any bags. No one asked to check Dad's oxygen-concentrater use-letter or examine it in any way. Our plane was a little delayed leaving because of a quadrapalegic who had to be boarded, which took many minutes. We had a slight layover in Chicago and got to Dayton, Ohio around 4:00 pm. John picked us up and we got to the Gryka's house around dinner time.
Their house is wonderful, very clean and mid-western, with lots of wood. It's a sprawling ranch-style house. They've done a lot of work on it, adding a formal dining room and updating the kitchen and bathrooms. It's set in a quiet neighborhood where the lots are about an acre each.
I slept really well the first night, mostly because I had gotten about 4 hours sleep Wednesday night. In the morning we all got up and did our morning routines. We went out and got the tour of the city of Cedarville and Cedarville University. Tom and I then met with a friend of Becky's who has his own web-building business. Tom wanted to gather information about a possible move to starting his own IT-related business.
I love Ohio. It's very lush and green - definitely different than California. Springfield is in a mostly rural area so when you're driving around, you see corn and soybean fields. The houses are mostly brick and are on large lots. The weather has been cool and cloudy. Apparently its unusual to have to sun come out and stay out for long. The little town of Yellow Springs, where we met the web-builder, is interesting. Its very bohemian and hippy oriented. Its motto could be: "Old hippies never die; they just move to Yellow Springs, Ohio."
Their house is wonderful, very clean and mid-western, with lots of wood. It's a sprawling ranch-style house. They've done a lot of work on it, adding a formal dining room and updating the kitchen and bathrooms. It's set in a quiet neighborhood where the lots are about an acre each.
I slept really well the first night, mostly because I had gotten about 4 hours sleep Wednesday night. In the morning we all got up and did our morning routines. We went out and got the tour of the city of Cedarville and Cedarville University. Tom and I then met with a friend of Becky's who has his own web-building business. Tom wanted to gather information about a possible move to starting his own IT-related business.
I love Ohio. It's very lush and green - definitely different than California. Springfield is in a mostly rural area so when you're driving around, you see corn and soybean fields. The houses are mostly brick and are on large lots. The weather has been cool and cloudy. Apparently its unusual to have to sun come out and stay out for long. The little town of Yellow Springs, where we met the web-builder, is interesting. Its very bohemian and hippy oriented. Its motto could be: "Old hippies never die; they just move to Yellow Springs, Ohio."
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