The past two years have been horrible. The riff between us and Wendy has taken a toll. Every breath that I take is tinged with sadness. My heart beats with longing and grief. Most days I feel hopeless and helpless. Our attempts at reconciliation have gone nowhere and the feeling that this is the way things will always be permeates my thoughts. When I see another grandmotther with her grandchildren, I feel like crying. I am not a part of my grandchildren's lives and it breaks my heart. It would be easy to believe that I was a horrible mother who deserves to have no contact with my daughter. It would be easy to believe that I am not worthy of being trusted with my grandchildren. When I am quiet and thoughtful, I sometimes believe that Wendy is right that I am to be avoided. But then something like Friday night happens.
We went to Lemongrass Restaurant for a night out with Mark and Jill Decker, Fred and Melissa Hatfield, Nick and Nichole Champion and Evelyn Figeroid. It was a time to just be out with friends, but since it was a couple days before my birthday, I also was given some birthday greetings. I felt loved, accepted and comfortable. These are the people who have kept me from believing the thoughts in my head. These are the people who love me for who I am and make no judgments. Because of outings like this, I can get through some of the darkest moments when I am tempted to stay in the darkness.
We are able to laugh and make fun of each other without fear. We are able to make fun of ourselves with complete acceptance. We are able to truthfully encourage and uplift each other. I love the way Mark is able to poke fun at himself, but understands how much we all love him. I love the way Nick feels so comfortable to say whatever happens to pop in his head. I love the way Melissa and Nichole can pull away from the group for a few minutes to have a private conversation and there are no feelings of insecurity. I love that Evelyn freely gives encouragement to all. I love that Jill says the funniest things but doesn't worry about offending any of us. I love the repartee between Mark and Fred. The guys can talk about what its like to use the restroom and the women let it happen. We may shake our heads, but its all just okay. I love that we all feel the high regard that each of us has for the others.
Gatherings like we had on Friday night are like a balm to my heart and soul. I feel so deeply blessed to have friends like this.
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